Are we stunting our black boys growth by “babying” them?

Derrick: As the product of a single, black mother who was overprotective and constantly spoiling my brother and I, I must admit it hindered me from coming into my own as a man.  I look at Kelli, who is so young yet so ahead in terms of independence and life goals and I’m in awe! Kelli and I have this “We raise our girls and spoil our boys,” discussion a lot. She was raised to be completely self-sufficient and thrown out of the house at 18 while I was taught that I can always come back home and my mother will help me regain my footing from whatever mistakes I’ve made.

It has always appeared to me that black girls are ahead of the curve in comparison to black boys.  I see a lot of women who are raising their black daughters to be independent while teaching their black sons to be co-dependent…on women.  I have too many female friends yelling that their boyfriend or husband is more like their son. Too many of my male friends are complaining that their wife is like their mom!

Whether it’s a place to go after leaving our live-in girlfriends, bail money when we get in trouble, help with child support payments, or a babysitter, my Mama has always came through for her sons while being hard and judgemental on any female  who even THINKS of asking her for anything.  This impeded my brother and I from becoming adults because we weren’t forced to handle our responsibilities. 

We all know too many men living at home with their parents well into adulthood. They have no plans of leaving either but continually make children all over and leave them, at night, with their mothers!  I don’t know many women over the age of 25 with children who still live with their parents.  Most Sista’s are taught to go out and face the world despite difficult circumstances while many brothers would rather throw in the(ir mother’s) towel and make excuses to get away from all the difficulties and rejections the world tells them they will face if they become independent. Independence must as early for boys as for girls.

My mother felt the need to pacify and spoil her “baby boys.” Being a single Black woman raising two boys alone with a deep fear of how the world would treat us as we grew caused my mother to hold us tightly and entertain our every desire.  She wanted to protect us from harassment by the police, school systems who would give up on us, unfair judicial systems trying to lock us up like animals, biased job markets, and the black on black violence littering our ghetto streets. 93% of Black men are killed by another Black man so she feared our playmates more than policemen.

I’ve seen and heard numerous amounts of women referring to their young boys as their little  ’husbands’  or ‘boyfriends.’  I blame the men leaving their families to fend for themselves for these detrimental titles being handed to our young, black boys. Many of us make harmful excuses for our boys like, “He just don’t know any better”, “That’s my baby!”, or “I gotta take care of my son!” You’re talking about a grown ass man, not a baby or boy who hasn’t formed a moral compass yet! 

I will never forget visiting my brother in prison and  the female guard saying to me as I was leaving, “Most of these tough guys in here cry every night and it’s mainly for their mother’s.”  This shocked the hell outta me! Convicted felons, appearing to be so tough, crying at all, first and foremost and secondly out for their mother’s?? Says a lot about how much the teachings of a mother can effect a grown man and determine what type of person he’ll be. Do you want your son calling out and thinking of you AFTER he enters trouble or beforehand, choosing to avoid it at all costs because your disappointment in him is bigger than peer pressure?

Black women carry our race on their backs. You raise children by yourselves, earn multiple degrees, work two-three jobs, operate your own businesses and adapt to unfriendly, Black dismissing, work environments better than lizards!  Many of our men believe a woman can raise the children by themselves because they’re capable in all things and this damaging thinking gets passed to the next generation of black boys who don’t see Daddy there and therefore internalize this way of thinking. 

The little boy who wants to be a man needs to recognize that the “Independent Black Woman” is TIRED and would appreciate much more of our love and support.  Ladies, I know you’re afraid of the ills of the world catching your son but coddling him isn’t making him a man. There’s a reason ancient African tribes made their boys live in dark forests for a month before giving them the title of “Men”. These young boys came back enlightened, self-sufficient and appreciative of life. They were black boys enlightened and therefore completely ready to become men.  We need more “Black Boy Enlightenment” now but it can only happen when we let go of our sons’ hands. We need Black male warriors not prisoners. I’m just sayin’ though…