Category Archives: Personal

Can Christians Be Gay?

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Can Christians Be Gay?

Derrick: Lately it seems our friends and family want to use our blog as a platform to express their feelings about situations occurring in their daily lives. Today, my friend (let’s call him Mike) wants to discuss a situation near and dear to his heart.  He told Kelli and I that this subject is burning him up inside and He is willing to discuss this matter with THE BLACK COUPLE blog family.

Mike: Hey, how you fam?

Derrick: I’m good, Brotha. Now tell me what’s on your mind so heavy you want to ask our readers?

M: You know me, Derrick. You know how we were raised and what we were taught, so this is hard…

D: I understand Mike, take your time Brotha.  I’m not Oprah.

(We both laugh)

D: What’s on your mind?

M: Last month…I found out my son was…well,  gay.  I haven’t gotten over it yet and every day I wake, I feel like I failed my son! I think about  what events would’ve led to my son to be that way!  I’m still in shock and when my wife told me, I cried for an entire day.

D: Do you still love him?

M: Yeah, of course.  That’s my boy and he is apart of me.

D: I’m glad you feel that way! I’ve heard of men abandoning their sons after finding out their sexuality.

M: I can’t do that to my boy…but I’m at a lost for words and absolutely shocked…Shocked!

D: I know your son has lived with you his entire life, you never saw any signs?

M: I mean, I was around but maybe not enough.  I’m willing to admit that. I didn’t notice anything too strange. He did hang around a lot of girls but he told me they were his girlfriends. I would never in my wildest dreams imagine  Colin would like other boys, that shit sickens me to my stomach just thinking about it.

(long pause)

M: Derrick, you know how we grew up.  Playing ball, chasing girls, and just doing things that boys do.

D: (laughs) I remember all to well, Brotha.

M: How would you feel? I mean, if you found out one of your son’s were gay?

D: I haven’t thought about it but I would have to pray that I could handle it. Kelli would be great, though! She has nothing but gay male, friends.

(Kelli laughs in background)

M: When Colin was born it was my proudest day on this earth, I pictured us playing ball together, watching sports together, and talking about women.  You know how a man feels when he has a son. You are literally looking at a smaller version of you, the good and the bad.  I believe in God and the Bible and it’s just not right or natural for anybody to be homosexual, man or woman.  I wasn’t involved in my sons daily activities like I should have been but he  did spend lots of time with his mom and his aunts and maybe that is the problem.  Colin and I hung out a lot when he was younger but he began to gravitate to his mom as a pre-teen and I should have recognized that wasn’t natural.  Most boys would rather hang with their dads…but you know my pride is hurt more than anything.

D: Have you talked to Colin since finding out about him being homosexual?

M: He has avoided me at all cost but we will talk when the time is right. He knows my position about homo’s. That’s probably the reason he moved in with his aunt. I can’t believe my first-born son is a “faggot” it’s just not right, men are put here  on earth to be with women, raise children and have families, traditional families.  Man, woman and child, not man and man.  Thanks Derrick, but I’m done I don’t even want to discuss this anymore.

D: Ok, Brotha. Pray about it and call me later!

M: I will, man…I will…

(Hangs up phone)

Kelli: What’s he so upset about? So his son is gay! How does that affect him?

Derrick: You really wouldn’t get it. It’s  man thing. So readers, what do you think about this one? What do I tell  him? How do you balance being God-fearing with supporting and loving a gay relative? Is it possible? Are you contradicting your religion by loving them or can you do both?

Kelli: His son was born that way! He can’t help it! If our son was gay I hope you’d still love and support him!

Derrick: I don’t think we’re ready for this conversation! I’m not ready to think about this…

Raise Your Girls, Spoil Your Sons

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Raise Your Girls, Spoil Your Sons

Kelli: I am a raised daughter and Derrick is a spoiled son. It has caused terrible trouble in our relationship.

Example 1: The light bill is due and we don’t get paid for another week.

Derrick: I’ll call my mom.

Kelli: I’ll have a yard sale or sell some things on craigslist to make the money!

Example 2- The rent is due.

Derrick: I’ll call my mom! Worst comes to worst, we can go live with her!

Kelli: I’m going to be homeless on the street if I don’t find some way to raise this money!

Example 3: We need some pots and pans.

Kelli: I went to Ikea to get some cheap pots and pans.

Derrick: Why? I took some from my mother’s house.

Example 4: We want to go watch a movie and need someone to watch our son.

Kelli: I’ll call the babysitter.

Derrick: I’ll call my mom.

You see the problem here? (lol) My mother isn’t an option for me. I would rather be cold, naked and hungry in the street than call her for anything and this assertion has led me to lead an independent life.  I have a hard time asking for things, so if ever I ask my friends for a favor, they do it because they know it eats me inside to ask for help and it’s rare.

Derrick on the other hand has a support system that is so strong, I could see why one would sit on its foundation all day rather than build a house. Derrick’s mother eyes her grandson with the same, “I would do ANYTHING in this world for you,” eyes she gives her sons. It makes me sick. I have never been looked at with such unattached love and support. She gives to her children and doesn’t expect a thing in return or use each mistake as an opportunity to preach a loud and embarrassing lesson on the value of doing for one’s self. I wonder if maybe our mothers could’ve salted in a little of the others teachings. How can we support our children while still giving an iron fist, encouraging our children to be self-sufficient?

I’ve met way too many spoiled Black men. It all begins with the conversation where he admits to still living with his mother. “But you’re almost 30!!” I’ll scream over the phone as he gives me the, “Life-is-hard-for-a-Black-man-so-I’m-living-at-home-to-help-my-mother” excuse. Normally, I find out the MOTHER is the one doing the helping while her son is receiving. These same spoiling  mothers have the nerve to be mean to me, looking at me like a baby snatching heathen!

Derricks mother hated me. She announced in front of the family when we first met, “I will NOT take any pictures with HER!” when someone made the mistake of attempting to snap Derrick, her and I together. I understand wanting to spoil your son. I look at my little man everyday and think about all the ways in which the world will try to hold down his spirit, creativity and brilliance. However, I have to remind myself that these enemies must be DEFEATED not AVOIDED.

The Fact Is: We NEED You!

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Are we stunting our black boys growth by “babying” them?

Derrick: As the product of a single, black mother who was overprotective and constantly spoiling my brother and I, I must admit it hindered me from coming into my own as a man.  I look at Kelli, who is so young yet so ahead in terms of independence and life goals and I’m in awe! Kelli and I have this “We raise our girls and spoil our boys,” discussion a lot. She was raised to be completely self-sufficient and thrown out of the house at 18 while I was taught that I can always come back home and my mother will help me regain my footing from whatever mistakes I’ve made.

It has always appeared to me that black girls are ahead of the curve in comparison to black boys.  I see a lot of women who are raising their black daughters to be independent while teaching their black sons to be co-dependent…on women.  I have too many female friends yelling that their boyfriend or husband is more like their son. Too many of my male friends are complaining that their wife is like their mom!

Whether it’s a place to go after leaving our live-in girlfriends, bail money when we get in trouble, help with child support payments, or a babysitter, my Mama has always came through for her sons while being hard and judgemental on any female  who even THINKS of asking her for anything.  This impeded my brother and I from becoming adults because we weren’t forced to handle our responsibilities. 

We all know too many men living at home with their parents well into adulthood. They have no plans of leaving either but continually make children all over and leave them, at night, with their mothers!  I don’t know many women over the age of 25 with children who still live with their parents.  Most Sista’s are taught to go out and face the world despite difficult circumstances while many brothers would rather throw in the(ir mother’s) towel and make excuses to get away from all the difficulties and rejections the world tells them they will face if they become independent. Independence must as early for boys as for girls.

My mother felt the need to pacify and spoil her “baby boys.” Being a single Black woman raising two boys alone with a deep fear of how the world would treat us as we grew caused my mother to hold us tightly and entertain our every desire.  She wanted to protect us from harassment by the police, school systems who would give up on us, unfair judicial systems trying to lock us up like animals, biased job markets, and the black on black violence littering our ghetto streets. 93% of Black men are killed by another Black man so she feared our playmates more than policemen.

I’ve seen and heard numerous amounts of women referring to their young boys as their little  ’husbands’  or ‘boyfriends.’  I blame the men leaving their families to fend for themselves for these detrimental titles being handed to our young, black boys. Many of us make harmful excuses for our boys like, “He just don’t know any better”, “That’s my baby!”, or “I gotta take care of my son!” You’re talking about a grown ass man, not a baby or boy who hasn’t formed a moral compass yet! 

I will never forget visiting my brother in prison and  the female guard saying to me as I was leaving, “Most of these tough guys in here cry every night and it’s mainly for their mother’s.”  This shocked the hell outta me! Convicted felons, appearing to be so tough, crying at all, first and foremost and secondly out for their mother’s?? Says a lot about how much the teachings of a mother can effect a grown man and determine what type of person he’ll be. Do you want your son calling out and thinking of you AFTER he enters trouble or beforehand, choosing to avoid it at all costs because your disappointment in him is bigger than peer pressure?

Black women carry our race on their backs. You raise children by yourselves, earn multiple degrees, work two-three jobs, operate your own businesses and adapt to unfriendly, Black dismissing, work environments better than lizards!  Many of our men believe a woman can raise the children by themselves because they’re capable in all things and this damaging thinking gets passed to the next generation of black boys who don’t see Daddy there and therefore internalize this way of thinking. 

The little boy who wants to be a man needs to recognize that the “Independent Black Woman” is TIRED and would appreciate much more of our love and support.  Ladies, I know you’re afraid of the ills of the world catching your son but coddling him isn’t making him a man. There’s a reason ancient African tribes made their boys live in dark forests for a month before giving them the title of “Men”. These young boys came back enlightened, self-sufficient and appreciative of life. They were black boys enlightened and therefore completely ready to become men.  We need more “Black Boy Enlightenment” now but it can only happen when we let go of our sons’ hands. We need Black male warriors not prisoners. I’m just sayin’ though…

The Fact Is: We NEED You!

When Daddy’s Gone

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Derrick: Yesterday, while I was out and about, I saw a young Black man walking down the street with a red bandana hanging out of his pocket. I boldly stopped him and said,

“Shorty come here for a quick sec.”

He replied “What up?”

“How old are you?”

“15, why?”

“So you ‘banging’ already?”

“Blood up!” (Meaning he’s a Bloods gang member.)  

When he made this statement I began to wonder what his home life was like and if he really knew what he’s gotten himself into.  We talked for about 15 minutes. He told me his 20-year-old brother was the one who put him down with” banging” and his mother is “a dope fiend” while his father has been in prison since he was 8 years old. Not like it mattered cause his father wasn’t there for his family before he went to prison, either.

This made me take a long look at my life and how it may have been different if I’d had an active father in my life.  When father’s aren’t active in the family structure black males have higher rates of  incarceration , dropping out of high school and psychological issues. In the case of Marcus, they find a “replacement family” in the streets by entering gangs.

My father abandoned my mom when she was pregnant with me so I lost out on the male bonding like many of our Black males.  I relate to Marcus wholeheartedly. 

As a young boy I always had high hopes and dreams of my father showing up and moving in with my family.  Of course, it never happened, leading me to a lot of confusion and anger while watching my mom try as hard as she could by herself.  She got other men to fill in, teaching me to do things like ride a bike, learn self-defense, and any nuance boys must learn.  These replacement fathers tried to guide me as smoothly as a bike without training wheels but it wasn’t enough. Ultimately the absence of my father began to weigh on me, causing me to act out during my pre-teen years.  The older, tougher guys of my neighborhood became my role-models. There words were like “gold” to my young ears:

*Shorty, get all the girls that you can.

*If you need money, you gotta hustle for it.

*The hood is always your home.

*Playing ball is your only way out.

With advice like that who needs a father? (lmao) My father’s absence and my teen years combined caused me to become more rebellious and my mother’s words began to mean little to nothing to me because as a teenager I really thought I was a MAN.  I was quite popular, I had a few female admirers and I was good at basketball, so I thought I was the man I wanted and needed to be.

By God’s grace (with a little help from my mother’s stern fist) I didn’t get into any MAJOR trouble or join a gang while growing up in several of the worst neighborhoods in Baltimore (we moved around).  Many of my friends dropped out of school, started getting in trouble with the law, drug dealing and living the life that comes along with the “drug game.”  I could attribute most of our problems to our non-existent father’s and having terrible perceptions of what it was to “act” like a man, not BE one.

I have made a vow to God, myself, Kelli, and my sons to never leave them to fend for themselves in this “crazy world.”  It’s vital that the Black man become more proactive in our children’s lives because this world will take a young Black boy and turn his world upside down.  In the case of Marcus and so many other young brothers: the streets, the gangs, prisons, and other seen and unseen forces will swallow our young men whole. 

After looking back on my conversation with Marcus, I know I have to become more involved in the community because if I can make a difference in another Black boys life besides my two sons, they can take what I will be teaching them and teach it to another Brother!

Ain’t No Way

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(Listen to these words carefully! Cause there ain’t no way for us to love each other unless you stop, “Tryna be someone you’re not!” This song should be the theme of the search for lost, Black love.)

Kelli: Ain’t no way for me to know WHAT a man is and therefore let him be dat if I didn’t have a role model.

Often, people think that having a man whose present and calling himself your father means he’s your role model. You can have a man living in your house, calling himself your daddy and still grow up feeling like your mother raised you, alone.

It never dawned on me when I was younger that I was “missing” a father figure. Most of my friends were being raised by their moms, black and white.  Yes, the white ones may have had a man living in the house but majority of them agreed their father was absent, either always at work or his mistresses house. We focus on single, BLACK mothers because it’s yet another way for the media to make it seem like Black women are getting the short end of the stick. For every single woman who’s chosen to be single, you can bet there’s a white woman who’s married and miserable; a single mother trapped in a marriage.

If we’re going to discuss the topic: What happens when daddy’s gone, we have to understand that an absent father can be in your life physically. I’ve often imagined a father as a person who’s involved emotionally, spiritually and mentally, not just physically. That means that all this single, Black woman bullcrap goes out the window because there are JUST, if not more, unavailable fathers of other races. The myth of what a father is supposed to do is exactly why they’re becoming extinct. A father is thought to be out of the house while the mother is inside. Even with women working full-time jobs, we must still come home and be both mother and father while daddy works and gets to come home and go to bed.

 Speaking especially to the African-American household dynamic, the problem isn’t that WE are failing but that we have taken, as our familial role models, people whose families were failing as well. As slaves, we watched as Master carried on affairs with slaves while his wife watched and carried the household, silently. When master finally came home, he was made to feel like the King of his castle, though he really didn’t do anything. His wife ran the house, his slaves toiled in the sun, his overseer made sure the slaves worked…so what exactly did the master do but reap the benefits of others hard work? We, as African-Americans looking from the outside in, envied this life and adopted it as our own model of how to a run a family.

If we look at ancient tribal African communities, the father was truly the master! He worked hard, created a large family and made everyone carry their own weight. We need to adapt THIS as the model for our family structures because the model we have is obviously, failing. Looking at white divorce statistics, they are getting divorced at HIGH rates! If they, the majority, can’t understand the sanctity of marriage, why would we copy this for our own families?

The issue, for me, isn’t “Where is Daddy?” but where is the shared responsibilities within our supposed family structures? How can we create a new identity for what constitutes a man or woman without walking in the shadow of our enslaver? I believe, when we begin to create new identities based less off of assimilationism, we will find the answer!

*Sorry for getting all analytical and edu-ma-cated, but I think this needs to be said! icon smile Aint No Way

Black Pollution

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Black Pollution

( Kelli Singing)

Captain Planet!

He’s our hero!

Gonna take pollution down to zero!

Kelli: I used to love Captain Planet as a child so how ironic that my job is now polluting my soul! I hear so many people saying, since we’re in times of recession, how we should all, “Be happy and thankful for our jobs.” However, I can’t help but to disagree! Every entrepreneur I’ve ever met first made the decision that their job wasn’t cutting it anymore. You either own the company or work for it and it should speak..no YELL to us that only 18% of minorities choose to be the owners yet we’re the most unhappy employees on earth (lol). I’m tired of the depression dance I go through to get to and through work! You know what I’m referring to:

1. Clicking “snooze” on the alarm clock, rubbing your eyes, praying the clock is wrong.

2. Finding yourself late everyday because you have no excitement or anticipation of the day ahead.

3. Sitting at work and getting into a staring match with the clock. DEAR LORD WHEN WILL THIS TORTURE BE OVER!!!

There are two times during the day when I’m most excited. Lunch time and the end of the day! I know I’m not the most pleasant person when I get home. I used to spend a lot of my time at home complaining about my job and wondering why there was no magic happening in the sack when it was time to lay down! Who wouldn’t want a woman who’s vocally unhappy about where she spends majority of her day? Oh, right, probably no one.

Having a son has changed me. I refuse to come home everyday and set the example for my child that work is about having minimum fun and maximum complaints! I want to show him that he can turn his hobby into a career that doesn’t feel heavy and useless. This blog is the highlight of Derrick’s and my day! We feel closer to our readers than we do some long-term real life friends. (lol) So today, Derrick & I ask you, what legacy are you leaving? A successful relationship should be made of two successful people! I don’t define “success” as money, fame or power but growing, personally, every single day! Success is the feeling of there not being enough hours in the day!

Now excuse me while I go back to staring down the clock…if only I were the things I type!

Black Toxins

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toxic Black Toxins

Derrick: How many of us are involved in toxic relationships?  I’m not strictly talking about male and female but any situation in which some type of connection is formed (i.e. friends, familial). How many of us are in situations we have no business being involved in?  How many of us are finding these commitments hard to break?  Is it because we love doing what we know is wrong or do we get comfortable?

I’m going to tell y’all some of the poisonous situations I’m watching certain friends engage in that I think a lot of us are/have been guilty of:

1.That Ex.

How many of you are still in touch or have physical contact with a toxic ex?  It’s a bond my friend refuses to break!  He’s living  in the past with the GOOD  memories forgetting all the bad ones that broke em up in the first place! The intimacy was so good that it’s seemingly impossible for him forget.

2.Outgrowing your former environment.

My childhood buddies sometimes call me to hang out and do things that I’ve outgrown, such as: hanging out in the old neighborhood, going to the club, or sitting over someones house reminiscing about the old times.  I can honestly say that I’ve outgrown a lot of my childhood buddies because we just don’t have anything in common anymore.  I’m a family man so hanging out in a club,drinking and just hanging at your house doing nothing no longer appeals to me. I feel bad about it though and this guilt leads me to go do it sometimes, anyway.

3.Breaking tradition.

I have a friend who’s realized he was going to the family church for years to appease their family and friends and not for his own spiritual growth!  He left and found a church that fit his spiritual needs though it was hard because GENERATIONS of his family members still attended.  Initially, his family felt betrayed but he ultimately stopped selling himself short, followed his heart and left for good.

4. The Job you HATE.

If I had a dollar for every person I’ve heard say, “I  HATE MY JOB,” while continuing to work there for years and years, I would be rich.  I’d probably make the most money off of Kelli and I! Why do we continue to torture ourselves day in and day out?  Why not attempt to bring forth change instead of grinning and bearing a terrible situation?  I know, maybe it’s the pay and the fear of what may be out there?. Could the change of scenery, happiness, peace of mind and all the endless possibilities that exist beyond the daily grind be worth the uncertainty? Are we fearing the fact that we COULD be successful as the quote goes?

These are just a few of the toxic situations we involve ourselves in.  There will never be any growth until we are able to move forward from our pasts and eliminate the poison polluting our minds. We must embrace the bright future that awaits us (you listening Kelli?) We must cultivate the will power to change ourselves and our situations.

Black Family Sercrets

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Black Family Sercrets

Derrick: About three weeks ago, Kelli and I perused the Sex Offender list to see if there were any child sex offenders in our apartment building. Luckily, there weren’t any but we weren’t quite out of the clear.  Our neighborhood was littered with child sex offenders, making me cringe as I thought of my two young boys and the other unsupervised latch key children I see outside on a daily basis.  This really touched home with me because at the age of 5 years old I was molested by a teenage neighbor of mine. As a Black male I feel this is important to admit because we are overlooked victims.

For years I was afraid,confused, and dumbfounded that such a thing could happen to me.  No one in my family knows.  I didn’t tell a soul until I was in my late teens and disclosed this information to my big brother/mentor in a youth program I attended.  My mentor shared his own story of molestation by his older brother.  I remember him breaking down and crying in front of me with such a reckless abandon that I, too, was overwhelmed with the tears of a fountain.

Many of us have suffered abuse by a brother, sister, parent, uncle, aunt, family friend or neighbor.  Members of the Black community especially tend to turn their heads when these terrible acts of physical,sexual, and psychological abuse occur within our families.  I have spoken to numerous people who’ve been taken advantage of by family members and friends but who had no support system or outlet to express themselves. As a fellow victim of such a heinous act, I’m praying for and feel the pain of anyone whose voice has been silenced because of shame. 

A friend of mine once told to me she was left alone with her brother as a child, and he raped her repeatedly and when she confided in her mother, she didn’t believe her and made her out to be a liar.  Another friend told me she was taken advantage of by her uncle and heartbroken when her grandmother sided with the uncle and stopped speaking to her. It’s divided her family and ruined her emotional and familial stability.  I stopped being ashamed when I realized I was keeping company with so many others! I no longer attempt to hide it because those types of demons in your closet have the potential to effect EVERY part of your life negatively. 

When are we going to expose these sick people in our families and stop allowing them to be protected instead of prosecuted by the law? Those who know a child is being abused and choose denial are JUST AS sick as those that have committed the act. We have allowed this sexually deviant behavior to cycle through our generations by refusing therapy but now is the time for change.  We can no longer allow our most precious commodities, our children, to experience such  life altering events which will leave permanent scars on their psyches.

Please be MORE THAN AWARE and cautious of anyone your child may come in contact with during the course of their day.  Family members, close friends and neighbors are MORE likely to take advantage of your trust and therefore your children. The child may feel, “Well, Mommy really likes so and so and probably won’t believe me.”

I have shared something very personal because the person who ultimately ends up dealing with your messed up childhood is your partner. Males who don’t want to get married, are overly sexual and predatory and abusive toward their women may have some history of abuse or neglect and all that anger becomes geared toward our women! We have got to save the black family and it requires health, healing and love. If you want the healthiest, wholesome, loving individual, you must start with your children.

What’s Your Scenario?

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Derrick: Kelli and I thought we would have a little fun today since our site will be down over the weekend (I know, we’re crying inside too!) The communication breakdown between men and women can either provide you with laughter or tears and since nobody wants to cry on a Friday, we chose laughter!  Here are some lighthearted scenario’s you’ve probably experienced where the break down between men and women is clear. Sit back, relax, read and laugh! Have a Happy Friday!

Whats Your Scenario?

THE CLUB

Whats Your Scenario?

He Thinks: I’m going to buy her a drink or two!

She Thinks:  What a nice gesture and a nice guy!

He Thinks: Now I can follow her around the club all night and I own her! If she resists, she better at least give me 3 dances!

She Thinks: This fool is following me around the club! Oh no, he is crazy! I gotta try to escape but keep his pride in tact.

He Thinks: Yeah! She likes me icon wink Whats Your Scenario? Works every time!

THE BIG DREAMER

Whats Your Scenario?

She Thinks: Let me call him even though 10:30PM is a little late.

He thinks: She must be feeling me to be ringing my d*mn phone this late!

She thinks: I wonder what type of guy he is. Plus,  I’m kinda bored so I’m going to ask him a lot of questions!

He thinks: Great! Time for me to talk about myself! I’m sure in one or two weeks, tops, I’m hitting it!

She Thinks: Wonder if I should tell him I’ve been celibate for 5 years and won’t lose my virginity until I find my husband…

He Thinks: D*mn, no goodies unless I wife her. Wonder if she’s down to get married tomorrow…

WOMAN’S INTUITION

Whats Your Scenario?

She Thinks: I’m bored and I miss my boo! I’m gonna call even though it’s after 10pm.

He  thinks: This woman is going to ruin my family! Let me turn my phone on silent.

She Thinks: Guess he’s sleep!

He Thinks: Love being home with the wife and kids! That girl should’ve guessed a man as intelligent as me with a good job wouldn’t be free!

His Wife SAYS: Who’s calling this late? It bet not be another woman!

He thinks: D*mn she’s good, maybe I should tell her the truth…

He Says: Nope, a bill collector.

She Thinks: It’s cool. I know he’s lying. I’ll wait until he falls asleep and call that heffa back to tell him he has a wife!

DON’T WANT THE TRUTH

Whats Your Scenario?

She Says: How do I look in this dress, honey?

He Says: You look nice in it, baby!

She Thinks: He thinks I look fat in this dress.

He Thinks: I think she looks fat in that dress. I’m going to start buying low-fat milk…

SEXUAL HEALING

Whats Your Scenario?

She Thinks: He isn’t doing anything right!

He thinks: Can’t nobody lay it down like me! I’m exhausted, I know I put her to sleep! (rolls over, falls asleep)

She Thinks: Good! Now I can finish the job myself!  (goes into closet, grabs her rabbit)

BOOTY CALL

Whats Your Scenario?

He Thinks: It’s after 12am, let me call her and see what she’s doing.

She thinks: He thinks I’m just a booty call! Humph, let me pick up and tell him I’m not! (answers phone)

He thinks: I’m going to tell her what she wants to hear for twenty minutes and then go smash.

THEY: Do each other. 

She Thinks After: I’m nothing but a booty call, I won’t give in the next time…

THE ADULTERER

Whats Your Scenario?

He Thinks: My wife will never find out I’m cheating.

She Thinks: I’m going to follow him on my day off and find out if he is cheating with my coworker and friend because I KNOW he is!

He Thinks: She doesn’t know. Not a clue. I’m a smart guy!

She Thinks: Let me calm down, take pictures and act like I don’t know.

He Thinks: Why am I being served at worked?

She Thinks: Now I can go to this (beeps) house and whip her (beep).

Judge Thinks: He’s going to pay alimony and child support until he dies.

KOBE’S STEAK 

Whats Your Scenario?

Kobe Thought: Oooh! A young white girl!

She Thought: $$$$$$$$$$

He Said: I’m in the presidential suite! You should come up  to my room when you get a chance.

She Said: $$$$$$$$$$$$

Kobe Thought: Love these dumb women who don’t speak as they drop their drawers!

Her 1st Word To Him? Rape!

Kobe’s Last Word To Her? Consent!

Kobe’s Wife’s Word? Divorce!

Kobe Thought: For that 1 night of pleasure I now have to kiss more ass than the office snitch and buy my wife a $5 million ring! Hope my other fellow, black athletes learn from my mistake!

Tiger Woods Thought: I would learn from Kobe but thank God I’m Black-a-nasian-eese-ite and that doesn’t count!

 Our Good Friend TIGER

Whats Your Scenario?

Tiger Thinks: I’m going to have 12 mistresses because I’m Tiger and Black-a-nasian-eese-ite!

Elin Thinks: This fool thinks I’M stupid so I’m going to check his phones, texts and voicemails!

Tiger Thinks: I’m going to have 12 mistresses because I’m Tiger and Black-a-nasian-eese-ite!

Elin Thinks: I’m going to chase his ass around the house and down the street with a golf club.

Tiger Thinks: I’m going to have 12 mistresses because I’m Tiger and Black-a-nasian-eese-ite!

Elin Thinks: Now I’m going to bust the windows out of his truck, knock Tiger the f#ck out, drag him out of the truck and into the middle of the street.

Tiger Thinks: I’m going to have 12 mistresses because I’m Tiger and Black-a-nasian-eese-ite!

Elin Thinks: This is great, now I can file for divorce and ask for 75 million.

Tiger Thinks: D*mn…I’m black!

Elin’s Thinks: What is the cost of spending your life spending Tiger’s millions while the world hates him?

The World Thinks: PRICELESS!

Got any other funny scenario’s about the communication lines between men and women causing nothing but trouble? Leave em in our comment box so we can laugh! We’ll miss you this weekend and look forward to seeing you bright and early Monday mernin’!!!! Class dismissed! (lol)

The Old Black Couple

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The Old Black Couple

Kelli: Derrick’s southern uncle and aunt called us last night, finally! Derrick had been trying to hit them up for a “project” (this site) on marriage and his family history. They have a strange marriage, they live in the same house but live opposite lives while sleeping in separate rooms. They say, however, they will never, EVER, EVER get a divorce.  We had to pull teeth to get them to discuss this so open your eyes wide and read every word! (lol) For the sake of their privacy we call them James and Mary, The Old Black Couple:

Derrick: Hey y’all, how are things down in Georgia?! Thanks for returning my call to speak to you about this family project I’m doing! 

Aunt Mary:  They’re going baby and it’s no problem at all! We don’t mind helping our baby out with his project, not at all. 

Uncle James: How much are y’all paying us for this interview?!  Put the check in the mail! And you kinda old for a school project, boy. What you over there doing?

Derrick: It’s a personal project, you know. Just getting to know a little of my family history.

Aunt Mary: GOOD! I’m glad! James don’t be questioning the boy bout his project, you’re happy to help!

Uncle James: MMhmm, I’m just saying put the check in da  mail! Put it in da mail!

Derrick: We will Unc but first I got some questions! How long have you two been married?

Aunt Mary: Baby, we been married for 33 years.

Uncle James: Feel like 50.

Aunt Mary: Don’t pay him no nevermind! We met in da high school back in 1974! I was a cheerleader and James was on the basketball team. When I first put eyes on him, I knew he was the man the Lord wanted for me  to marry.  He was tall, dark and handsome, whoo boy!  I even told my girlfriends they betta leave him alone cause he’s gonna be all mines!

Derrick: Wow, Aunty, you havin’ a flashback, huh?

(Aunt Mary giggles)

Uncle James: We made a good couple back in those days, I tell ya she was my Georgia peach, sweet and mo sweet, ya understand what I’m saying there?

Derrick: Well, what I wanted to discuss with you two is how, when I was up there last, I noticed you two have separate rooms and lead almost two separate lives? 

(Awkward silence)

Derrick: I mean, with so many people getting divorced now and days, do you think this separation is what’s allowed you two to stay together so long? 

Aunt Mary: Well honey, we made a committment ’fore God and then to each other! I’m going to love my husband and never leave him no matter the circumstances.

Uncle James: She complain all  the time ’bout how much I drank, how much I bet with my money, you heard that? “My money” and every  little thing around this house but she’s the lady I stood ‘fore God and married so that ain’t changing, no matter how much I may be hassled!

Aunt Mary: You know you drank too much!! You know you got high blood pressure and the doctor done tole you if you keep on like that you fixin’ to put yourself in the grave! You a foolish old man but I love ya and you’s my husband.

Uncle James: Woman I’ve been drinking for 51 out of my 52 years on this earth and the good Lord has kept me around to listen to your naggin’ and will continue to do so…

(Interrupts)

Derrick: (Clears Throat) So, back to the topic!  When did you two realize it was best to sleep separately?

Aunt Mary: Back around 1998-1999, I remember it like it was yesterday, James come home from a rough day at da plant and I try my best to cheer him up-n-all. I cook his favorite dinner, ranned his bath water early but he kept ignorin’ me! I thought he would get back in good spirits but, no, he stayed upset.

Uncle James: That was the day I was fixin’ to put my hands on this ole cracker at the plant and the manager got upsets wit’ me. I said to em, “Stay outta grown folks business before I make you headline news.”  So I comes home and felt that I needed to be free! I went upstairs and took all my clothes and thangs and put them in the back room! Tole Mary I was sleepin’ back here from now on cause I needed my freedom!

Aunt Mary: See honey he don’t think about nobody but himself! I don’t like it but I gotta stand by my husband like da Bible say, for better or worse. He lookin’ for HIS freedom like I done already found MINES!

Uncle James: This the way the Lord needs for thangs to be ’round here! I love her more than life but this the way I’m runnin’ my castle cause THEY fixin’ to overtake my throne!  She ain’t going nowhere and I ain’t going nowhere until the good Lord takes us home.

Derrick: Unc, will things ever go back to the way they were?

Uncle James: I imagine one of these days but Mary spend so much time in church and at Bible study she ain’t got time for me anyway.

Derrick: So you want her to spend less time at church and Bible study?

Uncle James: Exactly!  I believe in my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ but I don’t believe in the church folk or that no good Reverend! He came up with us and now he holier than thou.

Aunt Mary: All I can do is pray for your Uncle and hope the Lord deliver James and all that he has inside! I gots to go, my dinner bout to burn! When you and Kelli getting married! That SHOULD be you next project cause the Lord is watchin’ and he don’t like y’all living in sin! (cackles)

Uncle James: Yeah y’all talk about THAT and not my drankin’!

End of Interview.

Derrick That was the most interesting interview I’ve ever been apart of! (laughs)

Kelli: Well, that’s what happens when you decide you wanna play Al Roker! What y’all make of this situation? Is Uncle James wrong for sleeping in another room from his wife? Should Aunt Mary spend less time at church functions and more time with her man? Let us know (looks down at comment box!)

The Old Black Couple